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Archive for July, 2009

The cost of pushing


So I got this little gem in the mail a couple of days ago. $9,719.15. That’s how much it costs to be in pain for twelve hours; pee, poo, and vomit in front of complete strangers; and have your vajayjay on display for the world to see. And, this is actually less than most births because I didn’t get the epidural. Have I mentioned that I didn’t get the epidural? Well I didn’t, you know, because I’m scared to death of being poked in the back with a needle brave and hardcore like that.

Anyway, I have three things to say about this:

1. Thank God I have insurance, otherwise, Ton Ton would have to sell a kidney in order to afford his baby.

2. How is it that something women have been doing since the beginning of time now costs 10K? For that kind of money, kids should come with some sort of guarantee or refund/exchange option. I, for one, would go to the hospital and ask for a baby who didn’t treat my boobs like they were crack. Oh, and while we’re at it, can I get one that looks at least a little bit like me and not EXACTLY like his father?

3. I’ve always been a proponent of universal health care, and now I am even more convinced that this country needs to go in that direction. It isn’t just about health, it’s about life! Having a baby is a right, not a privilege reserved for those who can afford it or have insurance. Babies are expensive enough as it is; getting smacked with a ten thousand dollar fine for pushing is just outrageous!

Ok, I’m off my soap box now, and I must bid you adieu, my little crackhead needs a hit…

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Luki Potter and the missiles of poop

As I was changing Luki’s diaper earlier today, I got some poop on my finger. I finished wrapping up his bottom and casually went to the bathroom to rinse off. There was human feces on my finger, and I remained unfazed.

Babies have magical powers!

In the past three weeks everything and everyone in our house has been peed, pooped, or vomited on. And what do we do? Either ignore it or, better yet, laugh!!

A couple of days ago, Big E was changing his diaper, and just as she had taken the dirty one off…Luki decided to shart. Like a missile, poop traveled at least three feet across the room and landed on the couch, the floor, the cushions, a book; it was everywhere. Fortunately, Big E has good reflexes and was able to save herself. Our reaction? To laugh hysterically.

On Sunday, he did it again…in front of company! Ton Ton was changing him and he fired another massive poop missile. Sadly, Ton was not as lucky as Big E and ended up having to change his t-shirt. Our friend, who witnessed the entire scene, described it as: “amazing, incredible, never seen anything like it”…and, of course, “hilarious.”

How has shit gone from being the most disgusting thing ever to eliciting laughter?

I’ll tell you how…Luki is a wizard and has us all under a spell.

I, personally, have not been acting like my usual self since my water broke. For one, my level of patience has multiplied tenfold. Despite the fact that sometimes Luki cries even though he is not hungry, dirty, or being mauled by rats; I have yet to throw him across the room. Plus, I’ve become super organized…I never take off Luki’s dirty onesies and throw them on the floor, like I do my own clothes. And…I seem to no longer need sleep to stay alive!

Luki is transforming me into a mom! Must…resist…the…urge..to…buy…high-waisted…jeans….

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One week down, a lifetime to go

Luki has been home for a week and everybody is still alive and healthy…GREAT SUCCESS!

Although…Big E is hanging by a thread. She will either give herself a heart attack if she continues to worry about every minute detail pertaining to the baby, or she will die of sadness when Ton Ton and I begin to restrict her visitations. Big E is a dilemma filled with pros and cons:

Con: Although she hasn’t officially moved in, she is here all the time.
Pro: She brings food with her.

Con: She is constantly nagging us about the need to disinfect everything: baby’s bottles, pacifier, our sheets, and, my boobs.
Pro: She is always happy to disinfect Luki’s butt when he sharts (shits + farts).

Con: She always wants to hold the baby, even when he’s placidly sleeping in Ton Ton’s arms.
Pro: She always wants to hold the baby, even when he’s screaming at the top of his lungs…making it possible for Ton Ton to placidly sleep in my arms.

So far, I’d say the pros outweigh the cons, but if she tries to come at my nipple with a Clorox disinfectant wipe, I am drawing the line!!

Alright, enough about her, Luki is the star of this show and I’m sure you’ve been wondering what he’s been up to for the past week. Well, we have discovered that he is remarkably like his parents.

1. He loves to eat. Basically, I’m a mobile food unit…a taco truck of sorts. Every two to three hours Luki walks up to the counter and orders the breast milk special, which he gulps down with gusto. When we took him to the pediatrician two days after being released from the hospital, he had already gained 5 oz and grown half an inch.

2. He likes the night life. Luki has figured that, if his parents won’t take him out to ‘get his club on’, he will bring the entertainment to them. So, at around midnight, he begins to belt out his favorite musical note… LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! LAAAAAAAAAAAA! It’s so thoughtful of him to want to sing for his parents.

3. Music makes him happy. We play music for him all the time and it has a very calming effect…except for my singing. For some reason, when I sing he gets even more upset; I guess his hearing is just not mature enough for such raw talent. He also began his musical training, here he is getting his first guitar lesson…

And us? Well, Ton Ton and I are tired, but we are enjoying every minute we get to spend with our baby. And, our kid handling skills have improved substantially over the past week. Diapering has gone from a two man, four hand operation to a quick one person job, and last night we bathed Luki without Big E’s supervision. Pretty good for two people who had never handled a newborn before!

Week’s activity that made it all oh, so real: Rearranging our kitchen cabinets and replacing our wine and shot glasses with baby bottles, nipples, and breast pump accessories.

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Welcome home, little Luki

Welcome home, little Luki

luki birthday 1

I made a baby. Granted, Ton Ton collaborated with some sperm, and I believe God supervised the entire operation…but, in essence, I made a baby. A real life human person, with ten fingers and ten toes, lived inside me for 9 months, and I pushed him out of an orifice much smaller than he. I did it!

I really think that moms need to start making a bigger deal out of giving birth. Seriously, we should get standing ovations every time we walk into a room. I definitely plan on trying to get special credit for having a son. Next time someone asks me what my greatest accomplishment is, I will not hesitate to answer like this…

…it all started on Wednesday, July 1, 2009 in the late afternoon. I had arrived home from work, and sat on the couch to catch the last bit of the Ellen show. Ton Ton was in the kitchen making dinner, and we were supposed to go see “Away we go” that night. Suddenly, I felt like I was peeing my pants. I got up and stood in the dining room as, what seemed like a pitcher of water, dripped from my crotch.

Ton Ton called Big E right away, and I got on the phone with my doctor’s office. After answering a series of questions, such as…”is there anything hanging out of your vagina, like a foot, or an arm?”, I was told to go to the hospital. Ton Ton started to freak out and frantically finish packing our bags. I had no contractions or other labor symptons, so I took a shower and leisurely got dressed. On the way to the hospital, we had to stop at the pharmacy so that I could buy some hair gel (I had just ran out that morning!) and, of course, our car’s gas light was on, so we had to fill up.

In the hospital, I got checked in and put on the baby monitor. I started to have very minor cramps, and could see on the monitor that they were contractions. “This is it?,” I thought..”pffff…I can totally handle this!” I watched T.V. and chit- chatted with Ton Ton and my parents, a few good friends came by to visit too.

I had to get an IV, and it took two different nurses and three tries on both arms to find a vein. At that time, that was much more painful than the contractions. The nurse asked me what my thoughts were on getting an epidural, and I said I was going to try to hold out as long as I could. In my head, I was thinking…”if it took them that long to find a vein in my arm, I am NOT letting them mess around with a giant needle in my back!”.

My doctor, Doctor B, was not on call that night, so instead Thor was in charge of my delivery. (That is his real name, by the way!). He didn’t come to check me until I had been in the hospital for a few hours. Big E ran into him in the cafeteria and gave him an earful, something about, “my little girl is in labor, and you haven’t even come by to introduce yourself…” He explained that he wanted to let me make some progress on my own. When he came, I was 5 cm dilated…and not in much pain. A very good sign. Thor is the most soft-spoken person I have met, he kept mumbling things, and I couldn’t tell if he was talking to me or the nurses.

I continued to have contractions, each getting substantially stronger. I would ask Ton Ton to hold me, then to let me go. I was cold, then I was hot. I wanted to be talked to, and the next minute, left alone. The nurses checked me and my cervix was not dilating fast enough. So, Thor ordered that I get a little bit of Pitocin to speed up the process. It was around 5:00 a.m.

At that point, the contractions were so severe that everything is a blur. I just remember I really wanted to push, and they would not let me. A nurse checked me and thought that I was fully dilated, but then Thor came in and mumbled something. The nurse translated that he didn’t think I was fully dilated yet and that he would be back in 15 minutes. I stared at the clock through every contraction and kept asking for Thor. I just wanted to push! When he came back, he mumbled something else about it not being time yet, and that he’d be back in half an hour. I wailed FUUUUUUUUUCCK! Big E was much more offended than Thor was.

Finally, Thor came back and he gave the OK to push. Pushing felt so much better! I looked out my window, and could see that day was breaking. I push, push, push, push, PUSHED, and suddenly had a purple little boy in my arms. He came with the sun, at 7:39 a.m.

After meeting him, I couldn’t believe I ever thought Belly would be anyone else but him. He is my Luki, Ton Ton’s Luki, everybody’s Luki. We love him more than we could have ever imagined.

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It's a boy! Let the blue invasion begin!

Lucas Manuel was born at 7:39 a.m. on Thursday, July 2, 2009. He weighs 7 lbs 5 oz and measures 20 inches. He has giant bird-like claw hands (I knew he was part pigeon!). His momma delivered him without drugs, because she is hard-core like that. More details to come soon!

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