Two of my very best friends in the world are going to have a baby any day now. I know I mentioned it before, but it’s worth repeating: I AM SO EXCITED FOR THEM!!

Anyway, the impending birth of their son has got me thinking about my own experience delivering Luki. And, you know, since having a baby practically makes me a renowned expert in childbirth, I thought I’d impart some wisdom to my friends and to any expectant readers.

Here are two pieces of advice I wish we’d gotten before the big day:

Number One — The temperature in the delivery room is set to polar. This didn’t really bother me because contractions made me feel like I was in a sauna one moment and hanging out in the Alps wearing nothing but a bikini the next, but Ton Ton, who was wearing a very thin t-shirt, shivered the entire time. Although, now that I think about it, maybe he wasn’t shivering from the cold as much as trembling from the horror that was taking place in my vagina. Either way, it’s best to dress appropriately.

Number 2 — Don’t eat while in labor. In the How To Push Out A Baby class we took while I was pregnant, the teacher suggested we eat before getting to the hospital because, once you’re there, the nurses don’t give you food until the kid is out. My water broke right before dinner and I tried to convince Ton Ton to stop at Five Guys on our way to the medical center, but he would have none of it because THE BABY COULD COME ANY MINUTE! YOU ARE NOT GIVING BIRTH AT A BURGER JOINT!

Yea, the baby took another twelve hours to arrive, but boy am I glad I didn’t eat that burger. You see, contractions hurt. They hurt a lot. They hurt so much that sometimes you throw up from the pain. And vomiting bile is much better than puking up a burger and fries.

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You remember how, a few months ago, my mom was all YOU AND TON TON LOVE YOUR IPHONES MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOUR BABY. I AM SURE THOSE DEVICES GIVE OFF HARMFUL WAVES THAT CAN HURT MY GRANDSON?

Yea. Well, guess whose cell phone contract was up for renewal a few weeks ago? And, can you guess what that person upgraded to?

That’s right people, Big E is the proud owner of an iPhone and she is now  incapable of sitting through a meal without checking her email.

Last weekend, my brother was home from school and he introduced us to the magic that is Words With Friends. We all spent the entire time glued to our phones, trying to figure out how to use a Q and a Z in the same word and on a triple letter space, while Luki crawled around chewing on electrical cords.

These iPhones are dangerous indeed.

(By the way, my Words With Friends username is mujerconsombrero, in case any of you guys want to play me)

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I know a lot of you are big fans of Tyson, but I’m sorry to inform you that we’ve had a falling out.

No matter how many times I explain to him that my nipple is NOT the same as a strawberry, he doesn’t seem to understand.

It’s a good thing he’s still all alone, I don’t think my boobs would’ve survived an attack by more than one of them.

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Aaaand, that’s all I got folks. I wish I could come up with a clever way to tie together all the randomness, but my mom just used an X in a double letter word, so I’ve got more important things to focus on.