He’s one. ONE! It’s been twelve months since that last big push, since that unforgettable moment in which a nurse laid a wrinkly, purple little boy on my chest. And to this day, I am still amazed at that overwhelming feeling of “YES! OF COURSE! IT’S HIM! IT WAS ALWAYS HIM! IT HAD TO BE HIM!” that I experienced. Never in my life had I been so certain about anything.

And if there is one word to describe this past year, that’s it. Certainty.

It’s funny, because throughout my pregnancy I felt just the opposite. I was insecure, worried, afraid. And with good reason. My whole life, I’d been irresponsible and forgetful. Klutzy, self-absorbed, undomesticated, impatient. I did not fit my mind’s mold of what a mother should be and do.

And yet, on that morning, in a magical instant, I was certain. Not of my ability to do it all right. No. Pushing a human being out of my body didn’t suddenly make me more dutiful and accountable. But I was certain that I could do it. That, I would do it. And, for the first time ever, I was really and truly determined to try my very best.

Over the past year, that feeling has remained a constant. And it didn’t matter whether I was being attacked by projectile poop or witnessing my son’s very first steps…I always felt like I was in the right place at the right time. Like I was born to to be his mother.

And I know it’s his birthday and he’s the one who should be showered with gifts, but no store bought present will ever compare to the confidence and purpose he has given my life.

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy!

The Luki One from Ailen Arreaza on Vimeo.