Before I start talking about the insanity that ensued while we were in Atlanta for Ani’s graduation this past weekend, there are a couple of crucial pieces of information I need to share:

1. Two days before we headed out of town, Luki decided he no longer wanted to nurse. Instead of salivating at the mere sound of the word “teta,” he now cries whenever I try to stick my nipple in his mouth. It’s as if my areola were covered in jalapeño paste. I will elaborate more on this in a later post, but for today’s purposes, you simply need to understand that my boobs — the most effective source of comfort in case of freak out — became worthless. We headed down to Atlanta unarmed against our baby.

2. I know that every family has its sprinklings of nuttiness, but I can assure you that my uncle Camy is the loudest, most inappropriate, craziest relative in the history of the universe. I am not exaggerating. One time, he put my aunt’s chihuahua’s entire head in his mouth. Why? Just because he could. Camy lives in Miami and decided to drive up to attend the graduation.

OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way, our weekend went a little something like this:

Big E, Ton Ton, Luki and I arrived in Atlanta at around 10:00 p.m. on Friday after a smooth and uneventful drive. My uncle, however, didn’t get in until a little after 2:00 a.m. and, since my brother is basically a saint, he headed over to Camy’s hotel to welcome him.

At 2:37 a.m. on Saturday, I received the following picture in the form of a text message from Ani:

That’s the bone from a pork shoulder roast.

Some people, when preparing for a long trip, pack trail mix, a few bags of chips, maybe even sandwiches. My Cuban relatives bring an entire pig’s appendage.

While Ani was eating pork, Ton Ton and I were in our hotel room trying to figure out how to get Luki to calm down without the magic of my boobs. We finally got him to fall asleep on our bed and, rather than risk waking him up in crib transfer maneuver, let him sleep the rest of the night there, nestled between us.

On Saturday morning we had planned to grab a late breakfast with Ani and then start getting ready to head over to his graduation. Graduation was scheduled for 3:00 p.m., but he was supposed to get there at 1:00 p.m. to start lining up.

Ani drove over to our hotel in the morning and parked his car in a shopping center next door.

Breakfast took longer than expected — we had to wait about 45 minutes for a table. Then my aunt, who decided to drive down to Atlanta that very morning, got lost and needed directions. And at 12:48 p.m. Ani was still with us, in Big E’s car, giving my aunt directions over the phone and trying to find her in Atlanta’s hectic traffic while my mom yelled, “YOU HAVE TO GO! LOOK AT THE TIME! YOU STILL HAVE TO SHOWER AND GET READY!!”

After driving around for several minutes with no luck, he decided that it was, in fact, pretty late and he had to head back to campus. We assured him that we would figure out a way to find our aunt. As we pulled into the parking lot where he’d left his car, we found a pink slip on the window. AND A BOOT ON THE FRONT WHEEL.

“THE BOOT!!!” wailed Big E as she got out of the car, her hands on top of her head. Ani, who had kept his cool the entire time, actually said a curse word in front of her, but luckily for him, she was too upset to notice. And I… well I laughed. You all know about my problem with inappropriate laughter.

Fortunately, the guy who put the boot on his car was still hanging around the parking lot, and $75 later, Ani had a free wheel and began to drive back to campus. Just as we were starting to breathe easier and my aunt magically found her way to the same parking lot we were in, we realized that ANI HAD LEFT WITH THE KEYS TO BIG E’S CAR IN HIS POCKET!

It was already 1:23 p.m. We called him, and he turned around, delivered the keys to us, and raced back to campus where he was able to shower and join his class in the nick of time.

And just when we thought things couldn’t get any more out of control, a baby on a nursing strike and the loudest uncle in the world shared the same row at a graduation ceremony…

…More about that in tomorrow’s post.