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Your grandpa was awesome! Week #44

Dear Luki,

It’s November. I had no idea it was possible to feel so much disdain for a page on the calendar. I miss your grandpa everyday, but ever since we entered the eleventh month, I miss him painfully.

In a few weeks it will be a year since he died. And I don’t feel any better about it. I think about him every day. I continue to be incredibly angry. I’m still absolutely confused by his death and its meaning. It doesn’t make sense.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about some of the things I didn’t agree with your grandpa on. The arguments we had. His annoying habits. Sometimes I’d get frustrated with him for talking or laughing too loudly. I’d feel embarrassed by — what I perceived to be — his inappropriate jokes. Sometimes, I’d swiftly kiss or hug him goodbye when I knew he’d prefer it if I lingered. If I rested my head on his shoulder every once in a while. If he could tickle me or sit me on his lap like he did when I was a little girl.

And those simple, insignificant acts of kindness I could have exhibited seem so very significant now. And my embarrassments, frustrations, or whatever else kept me from being the best daughter I could be every single day… those things seem so worthless in hindsight. Because a year without crazy loud laughter and silly jokes has sucked. It has sucked harder than anything I could’ve possibly imagined.

I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about these things lately. I know that, despite all of my flaws, your grandpa gave me the benefit of the doubt. That he found the good in me. Always. I just wish I could have done the same for him.

Maybe that’s the point of this whole thing. My point, at least. The sense I’ve been trying to make for the past year: To find the good. Always.



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