*I wrote this first letter (in my head) on Wednesday, September 1 while in Venezuela.

Dear Luki,

We are in Venezuela right now visiting with your dad’s family. We just got back from a whirlwind two day trip to Caracas and Valencia in which we spent the majority of our time in the car, stuck in traffic. You met many, many members of your extended family and that makes it all worth it, but it doesn’t make me any less tired or cranky about the long hours in transit. To make matters infinitely worse, when we finally arrived back at your grandma’s house, we found that the power was out — a common occurrence in today’s Venezuela. There are no lights, no hot water, and no air conditioning. Needless to say, I am livid! I even asked your dad to pack our suitcases and take us to a hotel.

The last forty eight hours have been incredibly frustrating, Luki. I’ve been thinking a lot about your grandpa and how he handled stressful situations by always keeping his cool. By recognizing that he had no control over most things in life and that getting upset only made matters worse. By smiling and cracking jokes through it all.

I’ve been thinking a lot about your grandpa, but I haven’t been putting those lessons into practice. I recognize that my attitude is incorrect, but prefer to continue whining and pouting to my husband. I prefer to stay focused on me and my needs right now, instead of trying to make the best out of a bad situation for everyone involved.

It’s incredible how quickly I’ve lost perspective of things. How, this, this minor bump in our vacation has me feeling like it’s the end of the world, even though, rationally, I know that I’ve gone through things that are so. much. worse.

I know that if your grandpa could see me, he would be shaking his head, reminding me to be nice.

And acknowledging that, in this very instant, I am not making him proud makes me want to try a little harder. And that, at least, is a step in the right direction.

Love,

Mom

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Dear Luki,

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about your grandpa. I think about him constantly, I imagine what it would be like if he were still here, I replay the horrific day of his accident in my head, I continue to ask why, why, why did it have to happen to my family? But at the same time, I am so amazed at the people we have become since his death. If someone had told me a year ago that your grandma, uncle Ani and I would survive and rise up from such a traumatic experience, I would not have believed him.

I used to imagine what it would be like to lose one of the people I love most. In those dark fantasies, I could only picture myself broken, tormented, unable to think, to dream, to believe in anything. Yet, the effects of your grandpa’s death have been so much different than I could have possibly fathomed.

We are still heartbroken, yes. But all three of us are carrying on, re-inventing ourselves, pursuing our passions, and believing, more than ever, in the power of being alive.

And it is because of the life he led. Because of the example he gave us each day.

When the doctors told us he was gone, despite my overwhelming sadness, I knew that I was lucky. Lucky that I had been able to share part of my life with him and lucky that, by simply being, he prepared me for that moment. I knew we would be OK, not through our own merits, but because of him.

And now, as we pursue new adventures and start out from scratch, I know that, by way of the times we shared in the past, he will guide us toward a fulfilling future.

A future in which, my biggest desire, is to give you a similar example, my son.

Love,

Mom